Forty managers, Premier League? Forty? That’s insane.
The return of Sam Allardyce means that it’s a nice neat average of two managers per Premier League club this season. And also means the latest update of this nonsense contains eight new entries and over 6000 words. Sorry about that. It has been a whole two months since the last one, so no wonder things have changed. You can read that now largely debunked version here, with its rankings in brackets for all the below…
40) Frank Lampard, Chelsea (NE)
Hahahahahaha you know when you point and laugh at something and think it’s literally the most ridiculous idea that you’ve ever heard and then you worry about how stupid you’ll look if it turns out you’re wrong but then it all goes even more gloriously horribly than you ever dared to dream?
Frank Lampard’s Triumphant Chelsea Return might be our most favourite thing about this whole ludicrous season. Six games, six defeats. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh. And there is something reassuring in the discovery, however fleeting, that while vast wealth nearly always insulates these huge clubs from facing meaningful consequences for a series of terrible decisions, it can still go this magnificently awry.
39) Scott Parker, Bournemouth (32)
Managed to pull off the exceedingly difficult task of being a promoted manager sacked outrageously early in the season yet eliciting minimal sympathy. Clearly a load of stuff going on behind the scenes, but if you’re going to be issuing ‘back me or sack me’ ultimatums in the wake of 9-0 defeats, you need to be really damn sure of your footing.
Blame-shifting, doom-laden predictions of further whompings to come (because what on earth could he or anyone else do with this squad of wretched inadequacy?) were rather undermined by his replacement Gary O’Neil promptly taking 10 points from six unbeaten games.
In a surprising twist, Parker then rocked up as manager of Champions League outfit Club Brugge, where he took his stellar Bournemouth form with him and won two games in 12, including defeats in both legs of a 7-1 last-16 defeat to Benfica.
38) Steven Gerrard, Aston Villa (31)
We genuinely thought he was going to be good because he was good at Rangers. We’re mainly disappointed in ourselves for falling for it. A lesson learned. The big problem, as well as just the general ropeyness, was that no matter how much he insisted otherwise, Gerrard clearly viewed Villa as a means to an…
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