The UK Cabinet is in disarray. In fact, we’re not sure there even is a Cabinet at the moment given they all quit in their efforts to get Boris Johnson to do the same.
But fear not, we’ve selected a full Cabinet of highly-qualified footballers and managers that could step in and do a far better job than the current lot.
We’ve gone through (almost) every ministerial and secretarial post and picked out a perfect person for the job from the world of football. You’ll definitely agree with all our selections.
Prime Minister – Frank Lampard
Probably not top of many people’s lists of who they want as the next Prime Minister of the UK, eh? No, but seriously, bear with us.
Lampard is the most realistic option available for selection. He is actually a Tory and went to private school, so ticks two of the boxes Conservative members will doubtless be looking for from their next leader.
Most of all, though, we want to see Lamps in action in PMQs.
Just imagine; Keir Starmer grilling Super Frank over policy in his squeakily earnest, interrogatory style and then the answer delivered in two acts with perfect Lampardian swagger and poise. Glorious.
A whole year of building, all that hard work in the press room, all comes down to this: this is perfection. Liquid Lampard. The Carlos Alberto vs Italy 1970 of Lampardian Transitions. pic.twitter.com/4VwIZxzLL2
— Adam Hurrey (@FootballCliches) July 14, 2020
Deputy Prime Minister – Emma Hayes
Let’s face it, we’ll need a seriously able deputy to keep this show on the road (and provide some serious answers to serious questions).
Someone with some strategic nous. Someone with a proven record of building successful institutions. Someone who can furnish the nation with cutting analysis of problems and accurately identify the solutions to them.
Step forward, Emma Hayes.
Chancellor of the Exchequer – Arsene Wenger
A boring choice? Maybe.
But for Chancellor, boring is the order of the day and Le Professeur is clearly the most qualified candidate.
While we had his ear, we’d also get Emma Hayes to convince him that this World-Cup-every-two-years business he keeps banging on about is a load of old tosh.
Foreign Secretary – Fikayo Tomori
Tomori went abroad and dominated, immediately bringing success back to a once-powerful institution that had long since become a laughing stock on the European stage.
We really couldn’t ask for much more.
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