Harry Kane is England men’s all-time leading goalscorer and this has p*ssed off a lot of people who know in their heart of hearts that he is in fact rubbish.
How to square this obvious rubbishness with that inconvenient all-time record, though? Surprisingly, it’s quite easy. We’ve donned our tinfoil thinking caps and with a little bit of effort – sometimes admittedly more than others – the underlying fraudulence of every single one of Kane’s England goals can be revealed.
Here’s the handy cut-out-and-keep guide to the truth the so-called MSM won’t tell you: that his actual goal total is zero. Keep it about your person and show it to any silly Spurs fan labouring under the misapprehension that Kane is any good. It shows more commitment to the bit than just going “Worra trophy”.
Our journey to turn 55 goals into zero goals begins straightforwardly enough. Here we go.
The 18 Penalty goals
Definitely the easiest place to start, isn’t it? We’re not entirely sure when ‘excluding penalties’ became a halfway legit piece of flagrant statistical manipulation, but you certainly didn’t used to see it anywhere near as often in the days before a weirdly large number of people took it upon themselves to make proving Harry Kane’s fraudulence an integral part of their personalities.
It is a lot, though, isn’t it? It’s very nearly one third of his England goals. But some simple folk would say so what? Goals are goals.
Some would say it’s entirely disingenuous to just remove penalties because penalties are goals. They are worth precisely one goal, they have always been worth precisely one goal and will always be worth precisely one goal. They are easier to score than most goals, but also harder than some others so discounting them just seems utterly arbitrary and cannot be done in good faith. But to all that we say no. Penalties aren’t proper goals, there is no recent evidence of penalties being of any value and this is also why you would never catch properly great players like Lionel Messi or Cristiano Ronaldo padding their stats with any grubby little spot-kicks.
Strike them from the record, because what’s good about pretending penalties don’t count as goals is that it makes Kane’s record look instantly much shitter.
Take away his precious penalties and he’s already only the seventh leading scorer for England, which obviously is rubbish.
New Harry Kane England goal tally: 37
The four Friendly goals
Bit of a problem,…
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