This was already unwieldy when we did it in January. There are four more new entries this time around and yet more words farted out on an arbitrary set of rankings based on absolutely nothing remotely scientific. It’s all vibes and feels, which is why Nathan Jones isn’t last.
It really does feel like this has been a uniquely, punishingly long season. The Tuchel-Conte handshakegate already feels like it could be part of a Peter Kay routine.
And through it all, David Moyes is somehow still in a job. Or at least he was when we wrote this bit. Subject to change.
January’s rankings in brackets, and their rambling. incoherent and often now debunked justifications can be found here.
32) Scott Parker, Bournemouth (28)
Managed to pull off the exceedingly difficult task of being a promoted manager sacked outrageously early in the season yet eliciting minimal sympathy. Clearly a load of stuff going on behind the scenes, but if you’re going to be issuing ‘back me or sack me’ ultimatums in the wake of 9-0 defeats, you need to be really damn sure of your footing.
Blame-shifting, doom-laden predictions of further whompings to come (because what on earth could he or anyone else do with this squad of wretched inadequacy?) were rather undermined by his replacement Gary O’Neil promptly taking 10 points from six unbeaten games.
In a surprising twist, Parker has since rocked up as manager of Champions League outfit Club Brugge, where he has taken his stellar Bournemouth form with him and won two games in 12. They are, alas, no longer a Champions League outfit after a bruising 7-1 aggregate spanking from Benfica.
31) Steven Gerrard, Aston Villa (27)
We genuinely thought he was going to be good because he was good at Rangers. We’re mainly disappointed in ourselves for falling for it. A lesson learned. The big problem, as well as just the general ropeyness, was that no matter how much he insisted otherwise, Gerrard clearly viewed Villa as a means to an end and loaded the squad with short-termist oldsters and left quite a mess for Unai Emery to sort out. To make matters even worse for Gerrard, Emery has promptly gone and done precisely that. It’s a double whammy.
30) Frank Lampard, Everton (26)
He’s not the messiah, he’s a very average manager. Not the first manager who couldn’t prevent Everton being Everton and he won’t be the last, but he might be the only one feted to the very heavens themselves for taking a team that is 16th and steering…
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