One of life’s more unfortunate lessons, alongside the realisation your diet has outstripped your metabolism, is that shithousery can take you a long way.
Think of bankers that fill the skyscrapers of the City of London; hardly the most altruistic of folk, but even the more genial bankers generally aren’t squeamish about doing whatever it takes to get ahead.
Or, on a more local scale, think of the person that barges ahead of you at the bar and gets served first. They don’t give a single fuck that you were there first. Their only thought is acquiring their next fix of mediocre lager.
Which leads us nicely to Manchester United. After years of (relative) struggle, United have finally turned a corner under Erik ten Hag and tentative talk of a title challenge has started to fill the carriages on the Altrincham line.
The biggest reason for this? Never mind the goals of Marcus Rashford and the emergence of Luke Shaw as United’s Napoleon in the heart of defence, it’s the sight of David de Gea baiting the entirety of Elland Road that provides the biggest reason for cheer.
United’s clash against Leeds on Sunday was the dirty, niggly and chaotic match we’ve come to expect from the warring factions of Lancashire and Yorkshire.
As the tackles flew in, and the bile flowed down from the terraces, De Gea marked his 400th Premier League appearance with a string of saves to keeps Leeds at bay.
So the release after Rashford and Alejandro Garnacho scored the match-winning goals was understandably cathartic. The away end contorted into a jubilant jumble of limbs while the goalscorers strutted away with immense self-satisfaction.
But all eyes in the Don Revie Stand were on De Gea; the United goalkeeper greeted Garnacho’s strike with air pumps, goading jumps and cries of retribution, all directed at the seething Leeds supporters behind his goal.
As De Gea whooped and hollered, stopping just short of grabbing two pistols and firing them into the air, one Leeds fan with a terrible mini-mullet cried out in impotent fury. Others demonstrated that Britain still leads the way in creative masturbatory gestures.
The Spaniard milked the moment for a full 15 seconds, causing a stadium-sized cauldron of piss to boil over. Zero shits were given. United had truly announced their return as a side worth bothering about.
Lovely work @D_DeGea. The fume is immense. pic.twitter.com/gbT5bNkcXb
— Jamie (@smithy24700) February 12, 2023
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