Premier League

Imagining the LinkedIn profile of every Premier League manager

Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola and Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta after the match between Manchester City and Arsenal at Etihad Stadium, Manchester, June 2020.

Premier League managers don’t lack opportunities to promote themselves, but just imagine the carnage should the 20 top-flight bosses be let loose on LinkedIn. 

The site defines itself as a ‘business and employment-focused social media platform’ that’s primarily used for professional networking and career development.

But, in reality, all kinds of creatures lurk on LinkedIn and give a daily masterclass in the arts of exaggeration and brown-nosing.

We’ve taken the liberty of picturing each Premier League manager on the social networking platform and immediately regretted giving them any ideas…

Mikel Arteta (Arsenal)

As a manager that treats every pre-match chat like the TED Talk of the century, Arteta fills his profile full of inspirational quotes which he sends to his players on a nightly basis.

Emile Smith Rowe has been fined more than once for leaving him on read.

The content itself, which sees nuggets of wisdom delivered in bafflingly unorthodox ways, went over everybody’s head until results improved on the pitch. Now each post is lapped up by hoardes of thirsty mules.

READ: Mikel Arteta next? The 4 managers to finish ahead of Pep Guardiola

Unai Emery (Aston Villa)

Emery quietly updates his page on the regular, but is upstaged by a popular parody account that prefaces every post with ‘Good ebening’.

Screenshots are shared on Twitter, prompting a back-and-forth between people who question mocking somebody speaking in their non-native tongue and people who think it’s just a laugh.

While the discourse rages, another library in Britain closes.

Gary O’Neil (Bournemouth)

By far the least experienced boss in the league, O’Neil hangs off the words from the big beasts of the faux-spiration game.

As Bournemouth slowly slide down the league, the former midfielder mainlines Jake Humphrey and Steven Bartlett into his veins. It ends with him quietly deleting his account after Bournemouth go down.

Thomas Frank (Brentford)

‘Feed your brain discipline, dreams and positivity,’ is the top post on Frank’s LinkedIn account.

The phrase is fluent bullshit, but when paired with Frank’s controlled intensity and continental competence, you can’t help thinking he’s got a point.

Roberto De Zerbi (Brighton)

De Zerbi is bursting with ambition, calling Brighton a ‘big club’ and publicly declaring that qualifying for Europe will be the ambition of his management.

Thus, his LinkedIn account challenges everybody to grow their personal…

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