Premier League

Neymar to Newcastle will sate our hunger for silliness after early transfer blues

Neymar

Newcastle owe it to us all to sign Neymar. We had such high hopes for transfer silliness and have so far been denied.

A report claims Paris Saint-Germain are willing to sell Neymar for just £45m and Newcastle have been linked for no reason other than having lots and lots of money. Please make it so. Who doesn’t want to see a 20-stone Geordie samba dancing in the Gallowgate?

It’s the sort of move we were hoping the Saudis would make when they first bought the club, only to have been disappointed by your Dan Burns and your Kieran Trippiers. A good Newcastle is good for the Premier League, and the only reason we take issue with their almost instant success is that they skipped the part of a newly super rich club’s journey that we enjoy above all else. They denied us the transfer sillies and we can’t help but feel cheated.

Other than perhaps Chris Wood – and even he offers a serviceable plan B – all of the signings under the new regime have been excellent, but have in general been players the club could conceivably have bought before their new-found wealth. Burn, Wood, Trippier, Matt Targett, Joe Willock and Nick Pope wouldn’t have arrived in such a concentrated mass under Mike Ashley, but aren’t names that look out of place alongside Callum Wilson and Jamal Lewis: the last two signings made under the Sports Direct despot. Even Sven Botman, brilliant though he is, wouldn’t have been seen as particularly unorthodox.

The two additions that fly in the face of that convention have been Alexander Isak and Bruno Guimaraes, both of whom were ironically chased by the only other Premier League club who can hold a candle to Newcastle in terms of improvement since they arrived: Arsenal. Isak looked good before being struck down by injury and you would be hard pushed to pick a central midfielder who’s played as well and consistently as Bruno in the year he’s been in the English top flight.

Perhaps it’s the consistency that’s failed to sate our transfer hunger, because Bruno otherwise ticks a lot of megastar boxes – he’s a Brazilian who does tricks and has a name that sounds fantastic when booming out of the mouths of 50,000 Geordies. Maybe it’s because he gets on with everyone? That feels like it’s a problem in general in the Newcastle squad. Where are the rifts? It’s all far too amicable. Where’s the controversy? Give us some dressing room leaks at the very least.

And somehow the fact that it’s Newcastle makes the lack of…

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