Premier League

Man Utd’s depressed players need help, and all the fall-out from Tuchel v Conte…

Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag and Chelsea boss Thomas Tuchel watch on from the sidelines.

The Monday morning Mailbox reacts to a thriller at the Bridge while continuing to pick away at the carcass of Manchester United. Also: Gabriel Jesus > Erling Haaland.

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Depressed United
So being a City fan it was on a basic level very amusing to sit back and watch United completely crumble again. However there is another part of me that is fascinated by puzzles and the dramatic fall of this great behemoth draws me like a moth to a lantern.

There are a number of theories being argued of course as to who or what is to blame but one theory simply does not add up- that the players are just cowards phoning it in or idiots unable to follow instructions. This idea has been bandied about since the days of Moyes’ reign and even then it didn’t add up. Players who won a league the year prior suddenly all turned bad at once and apparently it was all their fault and/or they were all suddenly rubbish.

I remember using an analogy at the time that if your toaster stops working you replace the toaster. If your washing machine goes too, you call yourself unlucky and replace that as well. If your fridge, microwave, coffee machine and kettle break down simultaneously do you spend a fortune on an entire new set of kitchen appliances and write a load of angry reviews online? Of course not. You know the problem is the electrical supply. How could so many players all be terrible and have an attitude problem out of the blue?

Anyway I am going to work this analogy to within an inch of it’s life because I know you all love a laboured analogy. United have replaced their appliances with new ones time and time again and if anything the results are worse. Top rated players who have torn it up at other clubs, seem to lose their powers and willpowers at United. Of course there are other factors. “He’s too short/too slow/too distracted by politics/too passive etc, etc.”, but we’re talking about approximately 50 players bought for the 1st team since Fergie left.

Of course there will be a fair number of duds among that many signings for any team but you can count the number of players we might generously consider to have succeeded at Old Trafford from those 50 on one hand. Really? That many lazy good for nothings? that got on well enough at other clubs? who were signed by a number of different managers? That all descended upon Old Trafford in a relentless assault over the course of 10 years?

Of course now the word is that if…

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