It’s late 2008, and in school playgrounds hundreds of miles from Stoke-on-Trent, an age-old debate has been settled.
In the unrefereed lunchtime kickabout, participants have, for some time, been discussing whether to enforce certain laws of the game.
The offside rule is clearly unusable, despite the ubiquity of goalhangers. There can be no accurate call without a linesman, so the game is played in a simplified format, favouring extremely deep-lying sweepers and extremely advanced strikers.
More contentious is the back-pass rule. While the law should, in principle, be easy to self-police, goalkeepers will — for reasons never explained — continue to scoop the ball up as they please.
It’s not quite anarchy, but in these playgrounds, nobody is winning an indirect free kick two yards from goal.
And then there’s the issue of boundaries. Working with the faintest echoes of white paint, or perhaps none at all, players are forced to address the serious issue of pitch dimensions.
As the lanky ‘winger’ with the terrible first touch carries the ball several fields over, through the sixth-formers, through the year 9s, through the smokers, through the picnickers, the pitch is stretched wider than it is long, which raises the question: without lines, and with other games being played all around, should the participants enforce throw-ins?
Stoke City in the Premier League
It seems like a distant memory now, but the newly-promoted Stoke City of the 2008-09 season was, for those going through their playground years at least, a lot of fun.
With Tony Pulis at the helm, Stoke invented a whole new brand of shithousery, somehow bigger, tougher and a little bit smarter than even the most physical Premier League sides before them.
Creative midfielders? Nah. Nimble full-backs? Nah, you’re alright. Players named A. Faye? Just a couple, cheers.
At the centre of this ugly football renaissance was Rory Delap, lovely, wide-shouldered former javelin thrower Rory Delap, whose throw-in technique was easily the greatest thing football fans saw that season.
Rory Delap’s long throws 😍
Rewatch every single goal scored from Rory Delap’s iconic long throw-ins for Stoke City in the PL: https://t.co/ngR8wrtraf pic.twitter.com/sDdFBMoob3
— Sky Sports Premier League (@SkySportsPL) April 29, 2020
Ball boy hands towel to Delap. Delap dries ball with said towel. Delap flings towel in direction of ball boy. Delap catapults dehydrated ball into six-yard box. Goal.
In a 2-1 home…
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