Football is much more than a game of kicking the ball in the goal, it’s pantomime. And what villains are to pantomime, sh*thouses are to football. We need those infuriating figures.
Be it intentionally being a master of the dark arts or simply just being an insufferable player to watch for a plethora of reasons, football throws up some pretty polarising stars across the pitch.
The defender who takes no nonsense. The wind-up merchant. The winger who does nothing but lose possession but will chuck a worldie into the top corner. The striker that appears to thrive off stamping on defenders’ toes and throwing themselves to the floor, if all else fails.
You know exactly the calibre of player. You hate that you love them. We all do. It’s what makes them infuriating but special in a way that the usual crop simply cannot grasp. They’re entertainers in their own way.
But what would happen if we chucked them all into the same XI? Unfortunately, we’ll likely never get to see such a beautiful thing in person, but we certainly can play it out and wonder ‘What if?’
GK: Emiliano Martinez
From zero to hero, Martinez has made sure to live every minute like it’s his last since rising to stardom.
The man won the Golden Glove at the World Cup and celebrated in front of officials in Qatar by thrusting the award from his hips. And that’s barely scratching the surface.
There’s the dancing, the penalty saves, the faces and the comments. He is a wind-up merchant in every sense of the word and while it is frustrating to no end for opposition fans, you can see how he’s become such a hero so quickly at Aston Villa.
Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you your #FIFAWorldCup Golden Glove Winner @emimartinezz1#WorldCup #WorldCupFinal #Argentina #Martinez #GoldenGlove #France #ArgentinavsFrance #arg #AVFC pic.twitter.com/YIqVaAmO3Q
— F1 Mattes21 (@Mattes21_avfc) December 18, 2022
RB: Luke Ayling
A dark horse in the realm of polarising footballers, Ayling is undoubtedly a hero among the Leeds faithful but has seen his powers fade in recent years.
That has resulted in him cutting a somewhat polarising figure, both in the Leeds bubble and outside of it.
At his best, though, he exudes passion, never shirks a tackle, is good for a goal and will do anything for a win.
Combine that with an enviously strong hairline and that man bun, and it makes it incredibly easy to dislike him, but also be jealous of him.
When you have those looks and a smile as good as his, you can…
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