Johnny Nic’s World Cup media diary

Our Johnny has been flicking between TV and radio for most of this World Cup while cooking and drinking rather a lot.

You can read the first part of his World Cup media diary here.

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 24

Switzerland v Cameroon
I start the day by making us smoked salmon, poached eggs, Hollandaise sauce and some sourdough toast. One of my favourites and have just got the last of it down me when we’re off again on ITV.

Laura is dressed all in white, with HRK, NDJ and Karen C in the drained pool. The PA is so ridiculously loud it’s hard to hear what anyone is saying. HRK has got his holiday clothes on. KC’s black eyeliner gives her a Whitby-ish goth air. There’s yakking about England, CR7 and Michelle Owen does some Welshing.

The game is played in the vagina stadium. A drone orbits around slowly as though to allow us to linger on its pudenda similarities. Dawn stops, points her caulking gun at the TV and says “mine doesn’t have footballers in the middle – or at least it hasn’t for a long time”.

Postie is on strike. Fair play to them. The local DIY shop sends a man with a van with some long pieces of wood. The lad who delivers it thinks I’m doing something with it. I disabused him of this notion, telling him Dawn ordered it. “A doll, good with her hands…that’s magic,” he says and I agree. It is.

“It’s Red Dressed Pine – RPB,” says Dawn. I nod like I know what she means.

Vicky And Pat are doing 5live’s coverage. Pat says “it’s set up to be a cracker” which turns out to be something of a hostage to fortune. The Cameroon substitute goalkeeper is called Simon Ngapandouetnbu. I wonder if Vicky or Seb Hutch on ITV have practised pronouncing that. Seb’s got Andros Townsend in the back of his cab for this one but I opt for the radio as I’ve got to do some housework.

Rigobert Song is the Cameroon manager. Pat, who seems in a very chirpy mood, says he’s a cool dude.

But the game largely passes me by as I discover we’ve had a mouse living down the back of the sofa, probably living off the crumbs of my pies. I fish out the stiff wee corpse of a wood mouse, but don’t tell Dawn, who is squeamish about such things.

Uruguay v South Korea
On 5Live, Mark Chapman gets Tim Vickery on board for some detailed Uruguay natter. He discusses how they’ll set up with and even quotes Thunderbirds, while saying Valderi has seven lungs, which would be very useful.

There’s also an in-depth talk with Ghanaian broadcaster George…