Johnny Nic’s World Cup media diary

Johnny Nic diarises his World Cup viewing and listening habits. And what he’s had for breakfast. We think he rather enjoyed the first four days, flitting between the Beeb and ITV…

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 20

Qatar v Ecuador
Yay! It’s the first day of The Evil World Cup. Well, the devil has all the best tunes. I turn on and tune in to the BBC, glad to see they were ignoring the opening ceremony, as per usual.

Here’s Gary Lineker looking very serious indeed, as though he’s going to announce we’re at war.

His opening monologue was sure to enrage the tofu-hating anti-wokerati, and the presence of Alex Scott, if anything, even more so. She was especially magnificent laying it down hard in response to Johnny Infant’s ridiculous speech. I love her accent and habit of removing ‘g’ from words. It’s so distinctive and regional, and distinctive and regional are very good things. But I already know this will anger those who love to be angered. Micah and his waxed guns were there too.

Alan Shearer sat impassively, eyes narrowed like Lee Van Cleef in a spaghetti western shootout, intoning with a new gravitas. “Amnesty’s been asking FIFA for just over $400m for their compensation fund, and they haven’t agreed to that yet. Why?”

Interestingly, the social media shoutys didn’t seem to see either Shearer or Micah were singing from the same hymn sheet as their two hate figures. Proof their criticism is not for what they’re saying, but for who they are perceived to be.

Overall it was a great, sombre opening salvo which set the proper context of the competition from the get-go and at half-time is followed up with Ros Atkins five-minute explainer on the issues surrounding Qatar, which are many and varied.

There was some football played too. Steve Bower was the TV commentator, one of the corporation’s perfectly fine but totally anonymous mic men, with Dion Dublin riding shotgun. Dion is a good vibes man with old school tendencies, but if you’re looking for him to find the matrix operating beneath any game, you’ll be disappointed. If you enjoy phrases like “yes, he’s a player, decent player, good footballer” then you’re in luck. And like many, he is much better on the radio where his ability to fill dead air really comes into its own.

Talking of 5Live, Kelly Cates was on presentation duties. She has the best laugh, a sort of woody, unaffected rolling chuckle which makes the world a happier place. Vicky Sparks and Pat Nevin did the game,…