Marc Cucrella, welcome to the weird, wild world of Cristian ‘Cuti’ Romero.
Or perhaps welcome is not the right word.
Marc Cucurella, you’ve just been dragged kicking and screaming into the weird, wild world of Cuti Romero, Tottenham‘s king shithouse and the Premier League’s newest supervillain.
You’ve probably seen it by now, the hair pull that made Peter Crouch’s World Cup effort look like a gentle caress. The hair pull that Romero somehow got away with despite VAR being able to see the images in 4K HD on a 50-inch TV.
If not, you can watch it below. If you have, watch it again anyway.
As then-Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal said when former Premier League shithouse Robert Huth pulled Marouane Fellaini’s curly barnet back in 2016, “Only in sex masochism. Then it is allowed.”
On Sunday evening, at the end of a fraught, absurd 90 minutes of peak-Barclays satire between Chelsea and Spurs at Stamford Bridge, Romero donned his latex and tugged the Blues new £63million signing Cucurella to the ground by the follicles.
Van Gaal was right. Such things are not acceptable outside the confines of the sex dungeon. Romero should almost certainly have been sent off.
In fact, he could have been sent off twice over in a game where he did everything within his power to turn the temperature up way past boiling point at an already-sweltering Stamford Bridge.
But the fact that he did get away with it was almost admirable.
The gall and the nerve to do that in broad daylight three yards away from the ref and in front of 25 Sky Sports cameras and almost 42,000 packed onto the uneven terracing in west London. Then to escape unpunished? Ha!
But it had been coming, or something like it had, ever since Cucurella had fouled Spurs’ Argentine centre-back in the ninth minute, lighting a fire in the cave of a footballing monster.
That hair tug wasn’t the whole story. Not even close.
Shithousery aside, Romero was genuinely excellent at the Bridge. Spurs were dominated for much of the game, but Antonio Conte’s mad dungeon master had done his all to keep the Blues at bay, winning 11 ground duels, making seven tackles and five clearances, and vitally blocking a shot.
Throughout, though, there had been the special Romero spice that Premier League audiences are already coming to expect.
For the minutes preceding the hair pull incident, Romero had been locked in a mini-battle with Kai Havertz,…
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