An ode to ‘merking’ told through Rio Ferdinand’s World Cup Wind-Ups

The art of taking the piss out of your mates runs through the British DNA like drizzle on a Sunday afternoon or arguments over the pronunciation of ‘scone’.

Your average Brit is terrified of direct communication. Your average Brit starts trembling at the thought of confrontation. And your average Brit is largely incapable of revealing their true feelings towards something or someone.

So we resort to ‘banter’ as a means of demonstrating affection instead. When a group of male friends slaughter your choice of haircut or clothing, it’s because they feel comfortable enough to do so. When your partner lightly ribs you, it’s because they care.

And one show elevated this strand of British life into prime-time television gold and got an entire playground children ‘merking’ each other. Step forward Rio Ferdinand and his ‘World Cup Wind-Ups’.

With England poised to sweep all before them at Germany 2006, and media interest in celebrity footballers at an all-time peak, ‘Rio’s World Cup Wind-Ups’ was commissioned by, to nobody’s surprise, ITV.

And Ferdinand, who always gives the air of a class clown that no amount of media training can quite shake, was the perfect frontman for the show.

Inspired by a generation of no holds barred candid camera prank shows including Jackass, Dirty Sanchez and – most flagrantly – Punk’d, ‘World Cup Wind-Ups’ saw our hero mess with a handful of ‘Golden Generation’ talent including David Beckham, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole.

Hours after England’s opening match with Paraguay had sent the nation into a mid-afternoon slumber, ‘World Cup Wind-Ups’ was aired to a baffled television audience.

Ferdinand, in a derelict London warehouse designed to remind everyone of his Peckham upbringing, introduced his first victim with a flick of a wrist that couldn’t be less credible if he donned the garms of Ali G.

We then cut to “the hit”. Two comedy policemen approach Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs near Neville’s car.

Neville doesn’t look for one minute like he bought their accusations of speeding, not stopping at red lights and being over the carbon emissions limit – but that doesn’t stop Ferdinand from visibly shaking with mirth.

“Just send me the paperwork”, Neville said in his broad Mancunian accent and a face that suggested he’s just peered into a future that contains Ralf Rangnick’s Manchester United. Ferdinand was now unable to breathe from laughing.

With Neville well and truly…