How things are going for Manchester United depends on whether you are selling papers in Liverpool or trying to get clicks from United fans.
But first…
Cock-a-hoop
There’s barely any football in the actual newspapers (something called ‘golf’ is on the back page of The Sun), but the online wheels must keep turning so what’s the biggest story in football on Monday morning according to The Sun website?
‘PLEASED TO SEE US, JACK? Jack Grealish hides can of lager in trunks as footie ace & pals party with bikini clad beauties at boozy pool party’
Presumably we are supposed to think that a can of lager in swimming shorts looks like an erect penis. This is a gag slightly spoiled by said picture of a can of lager in swimming shorts not looking like an erect penis.
But still, why let that small detail get in the way of a ‘story’ which can basically be boiled down to ‘man goes on holiday and drinks rather a lot’ which, with apologies to Disney, is a tale as old as time.
But we particularly like the quotes from an ‘onlooker’, who told The Sun:
“Jack’s lads’ break continued with another day of fun in the sun.
“He had a blast with his pals at the pool party and they were dancing and giving each other piggybacks in the pool. The star took a dip and was swaying to the DJ tracks and rock and pop hits.”
Two paragraphs in and we already have about six words or phrases that no ‘onlooker’ would ever say. ‘The star took a dip?’ Seriously, if you are going to have an imaginary onlooker, at least make him/her sound like an actual human being.
“He has been enjoying a well-earned breather after an arduous Prem campaign, but seemed tired and emotional as he shuffled through the hotel.”
Yep. Definitely a real ‘onlooker’.
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